Lionel Looking Back

I had heard Sandra call my father "a big sloppy kike" to Mrs. Snell. I was devastated. At the time, I thought a kike was one of those toys that is attached to a string that flies in the air on a windy day. However, it wasn't until two years later that I found out what it really was. I had been called one at school when I was being picked on by a group of boys, and my teacher explained to me that it was a bad word for Jews when I went to her in tears.

Anyway, as soon as I heard Sandra say this, I ran to the only place where I felt safe and at home: the boat. I liked being alone because I felt like no one understood me. I was really only comfortable when I was alone. I did not like opening up to anyone, not even to my mother. I stayed on the boat for several hours until I saw my mother walking slowly to the boat. I never felt like we saw eye to eye, and when she tried to make me open up, I refused (at first).

She tried everything. She tried making me talk, she tried playing along with the whole boat theme, and she even tried bribing me with gifts. I would not budge, and I only mumbled responses to her questions. When she tried climbing in the boat with me, I yelled at her and told her to get off. No one could invade my territory. I was a very stubborn child and was far from demonstrative unless I was pushed over the edge, and I needed to be alone. She wouldn't understand. Having my father called a "kite" was the worst thing I could've heard.

All the while, I felt my anger and sadness churning deep within. I had promised myself that I would not cry, but as my mother gave me a box (I can't remember exactly what was in it), I began to cry. My sadness had escaped and there was no stopping it. I confessed to my mother the horrible thing I had overheard earlier, and I was correct. She did not understand how traumatizing it was. Her response was "Well, that isn't too terrible." It was terrible to me, and now that I actually know what a kike is, that day seems even worse. My mother did cheer me up, though, and I believe she had a talk with Sandra later that night.